The Great Bear Poker

The fantasy baseball season is up coming. It always around this year that I contemplate my other destiny.

If I could choose any talent, it would be the ability to throw a 101 mile/hour fastball, with a 9 to 6 curveball. No word of a lie.

I would also choose to be 6-7, live in the San Diego during my formative years. This would be my the beginning of my third full year in the major leagues, pitching for the Oakland A's. My scouting report would say something like "he's got Joel Zumaya's arm with Brandon McCarthy's length. His curveball is similar to Zito's from the right side. He has Dan Haren's competitive fire, with Jonathan Broxton's frame."

Oh did I mention I have flames tattooed on my arms. (Zumaya ripped the idea off me). That's only cool because I literally throw over 100 mph. K's are abundant. My WHIP is under 1.20. My ERA is under 2.00. I pitch over 200 innings a year, averaging 23 wins a year. I'm not the perfect pitcher, or unstoppable, just incredibly AWESOME. My off-field antics are a kin to Cole Hamels. I usually yell at my teammates when I'm on the mound if they make an error. I'm totally unforgiving just like Dave Stieb...(oh wait, THAT MUCH is true right now). Actually I'm (probably) already the most competitive S O B you know. (If you think you disagree on this point, think about it for a few moments. Quite honestly, there is nothing I don't make into a competition. Either in my head or out loud. Competitions are the only ways I get myself motivated). So I think I have the mentality down, now I just need a 100 mph fastball. I'm cursing my parents right now in my head. I think I might have even been born with the arm. It just I was born in Canada, in Ontario, where hockey swallows up GREAT ATHLETES LIKE MYSELF. If only I had been born down in Texas, or in San Diego. Or B.C. for gawd-sakes.

Did I mention I'm cocky?

Probably the cockiest never-was-pitcher you've EVER met. On second thought, never mind "never-was-pitcher" I'm pretty cocky about everything. One person once put it this way "he has a lot of gall and audacity."

I agree.

I'm like the perfect storm for what people call 'bear-pokers'....and Major League Pitchers. They are one in the same after all, aren't they? Imagine facing David Ortiz with the winning runs on base?

I'm convinced in order to be successful in that situation, you'd have to be a bear poker. In that situation, nibbling the corners won't be enough. A great pitcher will challenge the hitter. A great pitcher will try to provoke the hitter, rather than letting him sit back. Thus becoming a 'bear poker.' And if nothing else is true in this column, its that I've proved to be a great bear poker...(if by GREAT you mean I always fearlessly pick my fight).

Winning the fight is a whole different story.

DId You See What He Touched!!!!????

"Michael has lost his damn mind."

That is exactly what I was thinking!

Give props to Howard who, even though is at a disadvantage because of his height, came up with the best dunk of last night. FOR GAWD SAKES HE PUT A STICKER OF HIMSELF AT THE TOP OF THE BACKBOARD!!!! It was completely original and unexpected. The unexpected factor really made it special.

It is a shame that the panel of judges failed to recognize this, giving Nate Robinson enough marks to advance, where he was exposed as a two trick pony in the final round. In fact the final round was wholly disappointing, even Gerald Green failed to attempt anything spectacular. Howard on the other hand, at a complete disadvantage given his height, came up with the "WOW" dunk of the night ends up with a mediocre score and doesn't advance.

But here at HARDBOILED FICTION we reward excellence!

Thus we are proud to announce Dwight Howard the winner of HBF's Dunk Of the Night for February 17th.



On Another NOTE:

Every wannabe hipster in Toronto right now has a MSTRKRFT vinyl that they play during their house parties. They seem to think its completely OKAY, knowing full well EVERY OTHER party they go to plays THE SAME tracks.

It's cool really. I'm impressed because nobody else DOES THIS!

In honour of this I've relented to peer pressure and complete unoriginality.

Here is what the MASSES ARE CALLING FOR - eat it up bitches.


MSTRKRFT - "Street Justice"

Five MV's for the Week

Remember when AFI was a hardcore punk band?

Not many will remember this because they didn't write pop-punk songs that were played on the radio. Sell-out is over used, but in this case, it might be appropriate. Its hard to remember another case of a band making a greater mid-career about face. AFI's latest effort is more pop-goth than pop-punk, ascetically they are similar to when Evanescence first came out. If you are curious check out AFI's early albums "Answer That and Stay Fashionable" or "Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes." There is a remarkable difference between the MTV audience's impression of AFI and the original sound of AFI....In fact some where out there - maybe in hell - I'm convinced AFI's soul is being held ransom.

#FIVE

AFI - "Love Like Winter"



One day I'm going to devote a whole article to Nirvana, but until then, I will throw this out there: Nirvana is probably the best rock band ever, and I never even liked the 'grunge' scene.

#FOUR

Nirvana - "Rape Me"



#THREE

Nirvana - "Lithium"



Did you realize February is Black History month?

Probably.

Well in honour, please welcome my boys:

#TWO

Death from Above 1979 - "Black History Month"




I woke up thinking about this Radiohead song today. Yeah. Deal. With an incredible song.

#ONE

Radiohead - "Karma Police"

Oops I Did Shave My Head

I should just let the pictures speak for themselves. But here is something I bet you never thought WOULD EVER happen. Think back when "Oops I Did it Again" came out, now look at this....this disaster. You know when I was about 10 years old I tried to convince my sisters to shave their head. I was a merciless sibling, stopping at nothing for my own entertainment and pleasure. My sisters never did shave their head. Probably the best for them in the end. Well, I think my mother had the final say over that issue. But can you imagine the scorn I would have heaped upon them for listening to me?

This might be the first step in a brilliant marketing make-over, given Brittany's history, I wouldn't put it past her. But at first glance, she might have actually lost her mind. Who would have thought that Brittany's career might mirror Mariah Carey's train wreak, rather than Madonna's sustained icon status. It's probably way to early to write off Brittany as was the case with Mariah, but if this isn't the some orchestrated reinvention, we might have seen the last of a credible artist and the beginning of a long down ward descent into a Tom Cruise-like lunacy.

Oh did I mention she looks hideous?

Look at the picture for 20 seconds. IT - looks like an alien. Honestly this act might be manifestation of a serious mental illness....or just really really poor judgement. I'm hoping its the latter so I can heap scorn on her without feeling guilty. Not that a mental illness would stop me from scorning her, but I might feel bad for a second or two.

Oprah and Mike.

Let's be clear, I hate Oprah.

Oprah is a mystical witch as far as I'm concerned. The fact that millions of woman look up to her greatly distresses me. Every time I've seen part of a show I feel like my IQ just dropped a few points, imagine what happens when you watch that show regularly.

Yeah, now I understand why women are crazy.

Yeah I TOTALLY understand now. Sit me down in front of babble talk for an hour each day, I probably would be confused and irrational too.

Anyways I came across this clip from a recent show and wanted to share it with everyone.



I think the whole chat is wildly inappropriate...or maybe it's just me who feels uncomfortable listening to this?


And now to something completely different.

"I wish one of you guys had children, so I could at least kick them in the fucking head or something, the testicles, so you could feel my pain, the pain I have waking up everyday."

A hug? Maybe?....for Mike, he is in a lot of pain. After all people stole money from him, and used him. Poor Mike. He's a sympathetic figure really. And if you don't believe me, listen to him for yourself.





"I'm going to fuck you 'till you love me, faggot"

"Mike why do you have to talk like that?"

"What, I'm talking to you the way I want to talk to you"

Yeah. Take that.

"faggot"

Moniker WHAT!?!?

If you're a Red Sox's fan this will whet your appetite, personally I vomited from thinking about all the money Dice K will make this season. Or I feel inspired to see how the arm feels this spring. I could throw a low ninety fastball with a 26 - 8 curve right?

Sick or inspired?

It is one of the two.



I quite honestly hope Dice K blows out his arm in spring training.

Dice K...right? That is his moniker?

Cool.

I'd like to be referred to as JoE-B when I am posted.


ONE POST EDIT:
This sunday is the superbowl, while everyone thinks the Colts will win, I'm going to be pulling for Da Bears. Now before you send me off to an institution because I think Rex Grossman will win a Super Bowl over Peyton Manning (and I wouldn't blame you if you did, considering I was watching the NYE game when his rating was 0.0 and thought, 'he won't sniff at the starting job come playoff time'). BUT EVERYONE IS CRAZY FOR THINKING DA BEARS DEFENSE will get beaten on sunday. Mark my words. This defence isn't pulling a Patriots choke. Defences win championships. The defence is the reason they made it this far. Bears win on sunday.
Oh and also Bill Simmons is betting on the Colts.
I'll take my chances with the other team.