The Great Bear Poker

The fantasy baseball season is up coming. It always around this year that I contemplate my other destiny.

If I could choose any talent, it would be the ability to throw a 101 mile/hour fastball, with a 9 to 6 curveball. No word of a lie.

I would also choose to be 6-7, live in the San Diego during my formative years. This would be my the beginning of my third full year in the major leagues, pitching for the Oakland A's. My scouting report would say something like "he's got Joel Zumaya's arm with Brandon McCarthy's length. His curveball is similar to Zito's from the right side. He has Dan Haren's competitive fire, with Jonathan Broxton's frame."

Oh did I mention I have flames tattooed on my arms. (Zumaya ripped the idea off me). That's only cool because I literally throw over 100 mph. K's are abundant. My WHIP is under 1.20. My ERA is under 2.00. I pitch over 200 innings a year, averaging 23 wins a year. I'm not the perfect pitcher, or unstoppable, just incredibly AWESOME. My off-field antics are a kin to Cole Hamels. I usually yell at my teammates when I'm on the mound if they make an error. I'm totally unforgiving just like Dave Stieb...(oh wait, THAT MUCH is true right now). Actually I'm (probably) already the most competitive S O B you know. (If you think you disagree on this point, think about it for a few moments. Quite honestly, there is nothing I don't make into a competition. Either in my head or out loud. Competitions are the only ways I get myself motivated). So I think I have the mentality down, now I just need a 100 mph fastball. I'm cursing my parents right now in my head. I think I might have even been born with the arm. It just I was born in Canada, in Ontario, where hockey swallows up GREAT ATHLETES LIKE MYSELF. If only I had been born down in Texas, or in San Diego. Or B.C. for gawd-sakes.

Did I mention I'm cocky?

Probably the cockiest never-was-pitcher you've EVER met. On second thought, never mind "never-was-pitcher" I'm pretty cocky about everything. One person once put it this way "he has a lot of gall and audacity."

I agree.

I'm like the perfect storm for what people call 'bear-pokers'....and Major League Pitchers. They are one in the same after all, aren't they? Imagine facing David Ortiz with the winning runs on base?

I'm convinced in order to be successful in that situation, you'd have to be a bear poker. In that situation, nibbling the corners won't be enough. A great pitcher will challenge the hitter. A great pitcher will try to provoke the hitter, rather than letting him sit back. Thus becoming a 'bear poker.' And if nothing else is true in this column, its that I've proved to be a great bear poker...(if by GREAT you mean I always fearlessly pick my fight).

Winning the fight is a whole different story.