the motherfucking list: round three

Jules is off running errands, but this is what was supposed to be posted for the motherfucking list.


The Rapture
"Whoo! Alright-Yeah...Uh-Huh"

"People don't dance more/ They just stand there like this"....Yeah, until this track reached their ears.

BTW: I'm kinda serious. I mean I'm not dancing but I could see someone wanting too.



The Knife
"We Share Our Mothers' Health"

This track is other world demented....and fabulous.



Camera Obscura
"Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken"

One important note about this track: It is referencing a 1984 song: Lloyd Cole & the Commotions' 1984 ballad "Are You Ready to Be Heartbroken?"

However isn't the whole "I'm ready to be heartbroken" kinda like putting a HUGE sign on your forehead that says: 'I give you permission to walk all over me'....? And if that is the case, who is kidding who? You can't tell me that this girl really wants that, or that she won't whine after Lloyd walks all over her.

Or is it that I am too insensitive to understand true love?

Until I find an explanation this chick is like -8 on a scale of 1-10 of intelligence. (10 being smart)

There has to be an explanation for this right?

This is a money video!

Those recommendations from Jules got my juices flowing, so before I continued with 'the motherfucking list' I wanted to post a couple quick videos.

Johnny Cash
"Hurt"


Man, for whatever reason this simple cover by Cash makes this song so much better. I will admit though that I'm heavily sedated right now from excess turkey. So tomorrow I will probably wake up see this post and pull the trigger on the cold medal beside my head....

Some of you won't understand this joke but I have something against NIN. Other than having incredibly melodramatic lyrics (which is about as cool as adult contemporary music) - to me endorsing NIN would be like praying for someone incredibly snotty and bitchy to pour their alcoholic drink on me.

Okay, a short explanation might be in order: my friend the blonde cum bucket (BCB) used to tell me how much she loved NIN. (That was awhile back, but since those days I have always associated NIN with her) However some time ago she got incredibly drunk and bitchy, to point where she decided it would be great if she poured her drink all over me. (Did I mention she is a huge bitch?) I always like to point out I hadn't even done anything to her that night. Anyways I lost my mind! It was a huge scene mostly because she didn't like her expensive salon doo being shampooed with beer afterwards. (And I'll admit the reason I'm telling you this is because it was a pretty awesome moment for myself and everyone there) So we don't talk anymore. Surprise?!?! And NIN not only is incredibly lame, but is associated with BCB. Which is in my mind worse that sending your money to a scummy televangelist.

But you know what?

Fuck that. It's a pretty awesome cover by a pretty awesome artist.


This other post is something I couldn't resist. I know, I know, everyone has been all over this since God created earth. Not only that but its just not that great of a cover. I agree. But sometimes you just got to say fuck it! I am going to post an uncool, overexposed YouTube music video. It's just one of those late nights!

Enjoy.

Michael Andrews
"Mad World"

the motherfucking list: Round Two

Jules Winnfield: I'm back to this motherfucking blog with some more selections. One thing I should make clear is that this isn't one of those year-end lists. Or top ten lists. Those are as interesting as the excuses I encounter in collection - "Some more time man, please!" - After about the 10th time I'd rather put a bullet in my head than the poor sucker on his knees in front of me. No this is a motherfucking list. If you want a ranked list: go fuck yourself.

(JEB: Watch the language asshole!)

Jules: Like I said "Go fuck yourself"....anyways enough of this shit: The Motherfucking List part two.

Hot Chip
"Boy From School"

This video is pretty trippy shit. But even if it wasn't awesome, I'd still put this song on here. The song has this wonderfully mastered electronic dance-pop flowing under the sweet but sad "We tried, but we don't belong." It exudes a wistfully melancholy that touches even the most unsentimental bones.



Candi Staton
"His Hands"

This gospel track is full of sorrow and strength. Its powerful appeal lies in the authentic nature of the characters in the track's story who have all been dragged up from Staton's past. And it is in the climax of the song that she gives us a glimpse of the strength which helped her survive an abusive husband. Gospel and I usually mix like water and oil, but Staton brings the song alive through her own pain and struggle. So here is my props: you have made the motherfucking list! Be proud.

I also feel like I should add: If her ex-husband's shadow ever crossed my door, I'd pump his womanly torso full of steel, slap cement boots on his feet and dump his ass in a toxic waste land fill.

Midlake
"Roscoe"

This track makes you think of some tranquil backwoods. If I was an earthy, sentimental type I would like it more.

Speaking of backwoods, I whacked some guy in a forest last week . A real shame, God rest his soul! But I helped his bride get over it pretty quickly.


(I should point out this isn't the official video, but rather somebody's creation)

The Thermals
"Here's Your Future"

I picked this track because it has this bratty-punk sound mixed with a bleak dystopian outlook. Its so warm, I couldn't possibly resist not spreading it.

Of course if I was Hutch Harris' father I'd tell his whiny-ass his future: Picking weeds on my lawn until your 18th birthday, then you can move the fuck out. And don't ever come back!

Our Special Guest was Late!

Today we have our first installment from a special guest, his name is Jules Winnfield. I have invited him to share some of his favorite songs from this past year. Now some of you are wondering what the fuck does he know about music? Well leave those questions until you have heard his selections. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by them. So I guess I'll turn it over to him.

Jules: First thing I want to say is Fuck-you very much - pleasantly surprised? Thanks for the kind words. I'll be dropping by later for a visit. And it won't be pleasant cracker.

By the way this series would have been complete if it hadn't been for motherfucking technology. I don't even think its healthy for man to rely on inanimate objects, its like asking your wife to take care of the directions. Now every Mofo worth the fine thread count on his back knows that woman ain't going to get him where he is suppose to be. Its common sense. No healthy man ever relies on his wife for directions. Well now you can add inanimate objects to that list of things not to rely on. And as far as that last computing machine....let's just say this computing machine best not fuck with me. The last one wished it hadn't been motherfucking assembled by the motherfucking assembly line.

But without further ado, the first recommendation.

Be Your Own Pet
"Adventure"

This teenage pop ensemble emerged from the backwoods of Nashville. Now I don't give many backwoods-critter-hunting-crackers credit - But give these kids some credit even if you don't appreciate their frenzic noise pop, from all accounts their mothers and fathers weren't brother and sister.

A Warm Holiday Post

This story warms my heart right up. I am so glad everyone is catching the holiday spirit:


John Brantley is a top-rated high school quarterback who had initially planned on attending Texas before deciding instead to stay closer to home in Florida, reportedly because his girlfriend goes there. Because nothing in the world is more pure, charming and altruistic than collegiate athletic recruiting, the Texas fans are handling the news very well, because, well, they are very classy!

Rumours and Rants found Brantley's Myspace page and this is what they found on his message board:

"I wouldn't show up for the All American game in SA this year. It won't be a warm welcome for you. So, what are you going to do when you sit behind Tebow for 3 years and your girlfriend breaks up with you? Yeah, like the other guy said, don't say your word is "solid as oak" when your lying. Also, take all the Longhorn stuff off your board. You're not a horn. ... I just wanted to let you know that my younger brother, who attends UF and is a Sigma Chi, boned your girlfriend a couple of months ago."

In other developments: A boy lost a part of his leg to a loose cannon

Now don't think those two stories weren't related. In the next few days somebody is going to be rigging up a loose cannon either in Florida or Texas. My guess is UF's football team will be involved. This is just a hunch, because as my friend once stated: "There is no turning back, only escalation."

That friend also regretted not turning back. Escalation, loose cannons, murder, regret. They are all connected. Suffice to say: 'I will be monitering further developments.'


BTW: Hardboiled's special guest will be appearing either tomorrow or Monday.

attic246

At this point in time I wanted to give a shoutout to attic246 - lots of new stuff up, a new design even. Check it OUT! Lots of music videos and reviews to check out.


ALSO: There is a special guest coming to HARDBOILED FICTION. The article will be coming very soon! The topic is very near and dear to my heart. STAY TUNED!

20 Years of Brigitte Nielsen

Her first real notoriety came in 1985 with her portrayal of Red Sonja in Red Sonja, then soon after came Ludmilla Vobet Drago in Rocky IV.



Brigitte Nielsen is one of those minimal talented woman that just won't be put to rest. You know the type, their careers are fuelled by lust-filled peeping-tom smut-reading sweaty, overweight bald men. These men love these girls, and will pay to see more of them no matter how trashy they appear. This may sound harsh right? I mean we're not talking about a porn star or even a stripper, we are talking about an actress. But let's face it just because a woman isn't stripping doesn't mean she isn't selling that same promise of sexual excitement.



Now don't get me wrong I am not singling out one person, this happens all the time in the entertainment business. Actresses are the biggest culprits but even musicians use sexuality to sell themselves. Just look at Brittney Spears who has never taken off her clothes to sell a record, but that doesn't mean she hasn't been keenly aware of her sexuality as a means to sell records. In the beginning she used that naughty school girl image fused with the idea of her being a innocent virgin to appeal to not only perverse sexual fantasy's that often plague middle aged men but also young girls looking for a role model. Then over time as she grew older she separated herself from that image and took on a new sweatier, sexually explicit image that allowed her to make "I'm a Slave 4 You" and the much talked about Madonna kiss which has fuelled her to even greater sales.

It's not even that there is something inherently wrong with using sexuality to sell a product, it is something that is quite effective because there is obviously a market for it. Others might argue on moral grounds there is something wrong with this, but that is an argument for them to make, I am stating a different argument: Some artists (I mean this universally) have talent which is used in conjunction with their attractiveness to have a successful career, while others merely get by on their sexuality. In the first category I would put someone like Nicole Kidman. Her talent is unquestionable, but its also undeniable that her superior beauty has put her in a position to take leading roles that an otherwise equally talented but less attractive person could not get. This is not an indictment of the system or her, its a fact. It's something that she has capitalized on, making her one of the highest paid actresses of this generation. It has also made her appeal to us the viewers more enduring. She can stick around as long as she wants, even when her soft skin has wrinkled into a prune....actually wait! I mean even when she is depending on botox to fill out her face. (If her face is prune-ish, I am out!...Sorry Nicole. I'd rather prick myself with a dirty needle then have to watch an actress who looks like my testicles after spending three months in a hot shower. But maybe that is just me?).

In contrast other artists have survived only on their will to sell their sexuality. These, mostly woman but not limited too, usually can make a few films (for example) that gets them noticed which sets them up for a huge pay off as the appetite of consumer has been whetted. This pay-off can set them up for life. A good example of this is Carmen Electra. She started out by moving to California, by chance meeting Prince who convinced her to join an all girl rap group. This obviously did not end up working out, but this led to a few television show appearances, then an spot in Playboy which lead to her role on Baywatch. It was on Baywatch that Carmen really broke out, leading to the commercial success she is having now. But if you notice none of those successful roles or later roles were not dependant on her talent, rather they used her sexuality. Let's be honest nobody watched Baywatch for the great acting. We all watched it for the opening credits. And gawd that was a beautiful beach...wasn't it?

I don't think I am expounding upon anything new, its pretty self-evident that certain artists are cast because of their physical features rather than talent. But this is where I come to my point of interest, Brigitte Nielsen, who broke it big back in 1985 by starring in Red Sonja and RockyIV. At the time she was marvelled as a physical specimen for her height and beauty. Not her talent! But that was back in 1985! Do you even know what was happening back in 1985?

Here is what was happening back in 1985:

- Bo Jackson won the Heisman Trophy with 1,509 points
- The Edmonton Oilers won the Stanley Cup with Wayne Gretzky
- Miami Vice was a huge hit on Television, along with Dallas and Dynasty
- "One More Night" by Phil Collins was popular along with Everyone Wants to Rule World" by Tears for Fears, and one by another artist who just won't go away: Crazy for You" by Madonna

Back then Brigitte was married to Sly Stallone. So fast forward 20 years, and I am sure you'll never guess but she is set to cameo in a re-making of Red Sonja which will come out in 2008.

Yes! In other words she is STILL kicking around after all these years. There is absolutely no quit in the girl! And no this is not a case of her surviving on talent, rather its primarily based on her stunning looks and physique. Or let me re-phrase that: WAS based on her stunning looks. (Why is she still around? I don't know to be honest. It's probably because there are men who remember her as she was. Although I will point out that some might try to dispute this by bringing up her talk show in the mid-90's. But I don't consider a talk show, even an acclaimed one the apex of talent. For god-sakes even Tyra Banks has a talk show, and that shit isn't on because of her brains - don't even kid yourself with that argument. I mean if Oprah is the gold standard, that standard is like being acclaimed as the 'brightest' eighth grader. Sure you get to say a speech at the end of the year, you might even get a plaque but nobody is confusing you with a future Phd graduate). But back to Brigitte: We are now past two decades of her. Two decades and no talent. I really don't have anything against her, maybe I should be celebrating this? But I think somebody should be giving this woman a hint, at some point it becomes embarrassing. Recently I was discussing Madonna with somebody. Madonna is 47. The quality of her recent music can be debated, although it still seems to be acclaimed by her fans, but her antics no longer flatter her mature age. While she is still fit, even she can't hold back mother nature's effect on her body. Even with lots of make-up her 47 years aren't disappearing. Think about it, its like keeping fruit around for two months. There isn't much shelf life for delicious fruit, and the same goes for hoes pimping their sexuality out in film. So WHAT are these women thinking?

I don't know.

But don't think you will escape Brigitte in 2007. She has already completed filming of the Surreal Life: Fame Games in which she is participant. I don't know about you, but I am not looking forward to finding out how she has aged. She might not even be hideous but I don't want to find out.

Even more than that though I think someone should deliver the message: Its Over! Not in a malicious way, but in a way that helps them preserve self-respect. Think about it. Would you want your mother doing this stuff?

Brigitte made a couple films that did well. She even married Sly aka Rocky. I would say that's pretty good, but really isn't it enough?

That is all I'm saying.