Jules is off running errands, but this is what was supposed to be posted for the motherfucking list.
The Rapture
"Whoo! Alright-Yeah...Uh-Huh"
"People don't dance more/ They just stand there like this"....Yeah, until this track reached their ears.
BTW: I'm kinda serious. I mean I'm not dancing but I could see someone wanting too.
The Knife
"We Share Our Mothers' Health"
This track is other world demented....and fabulous.
Camera Obscura
"Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken"
One important note about this track: It is referencing a 1984 song: Lloyd Cole & the Commotions' 1984 ballad "Are You Ready to Be Heartbroken?"
However isn't the whole "I'm ready to be heartbroken" kinda like putting a HUGE sign on your forehead that says: 'I give you permission to walk all over me'....? And if that is the case, who is kidding who? You can't tell me that this girl really wants that, or that she won't whine after Lloyd walks all over her.
Or is it that I am too insensitive to understand true love?
Until I find an explanation this chick is like -8 on a scale of 1-10 of intelligence. (10 being smart)
There has to be an explanation for this right?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
This is a money video!
Those recommendations from Jules got my juices flowing, so before I continued with 'the motherfucking list' I wanted to post a couple quick videos.
Johnny Cash
"Hurt"
Man, for whatever reason this simple cover by Cash makes this song so much better. I will admit though that I'm heavily sedated right now from excess turkey. So tomorrow I will probably wake up see this post and pull the trigger on the cold medal beside my head....
Some of you won't understand this joke but I have something against NIN. Other than having incredibly melodramatic lyrics (which is about as cool as adult contemporary music) - to me endorsing NIN would be like praying for someone incredibly snotty and bitchy to pour their alcoholic drink on me.
Okay, a short explanation might be in order: my friend the blonde cum bucket (BCB) used to tell me how much she loved NIN. (That was awhile back, but since those days I have always associated NIN with her) However some time ago she got incredibly drunk and bitchy, to point where she decided it would be great if she poured her drink all over me. (Did I mention she is a huge bitch?) I always like to point out I hadn't even done anything to her that night. Anyways I lost my mind! It was a huge scene mostly because she didn't like her expensive salon doo being shampooed with beer afterwards. (And I'll admit the reason I'm telling you this is because it was a pretty awesome moment for myself and everyone there) So we don't talk anymore. Surprise?!?! And NIN not only is incredibly lame, but is associated with BCB. Which is in my mind worse that sending your money to a scummy televangelist.
But you know what?
Fuck that. It's a pretty awesome cover by a pretty awesome artist.
This other post is something I couldn't resist. I know, I know, everyone has been all over this since God created earth. Not only that but its just not that great of a cover. I agree. But sometimes you just got to say fuck it! I am going to post an uncool, overexposed YouTube music video. It's just one of those late nights!
Enjoy.
Michael Andrews
"Mad World"
Johnny Cash
"Hurt"
Man, for whatever reason this simple cover by Cash makes this song so much better. I will admit though that I'm heavily sedated right now from excess turkey. So tomorrow I will probably wake up see this post and pull the trigger on the cold medal beside my head....
Some of you won't understand this joke but I have something against NIN. Other than having incredibly melodramatic lyrics (which is about as cool as adult contemporary music) - to me endorsing NIN would be like praying for someone incredibly snotty and bitchy to pour their alcoholic drink on me.
Okay, a short explanation might be in order: my friend the blonde cum bucket (BCB) used to tell me how much she loved NIN. (That was awhile back, but since those days I have always associated NIN with her) However some time ago she got incredibly drunk and bitchy, to point where she decided it would be great if she poured her drink all over me. (Did I mention she is a huge bitch?) I always like to point out I hadn't even done anything to her that night. Anyways I lost my mind! It was a huge scene mostly because she didn't like her expensive salon doo being shampooed with beer afterwards. (And I'll admit the reason I'm telling you this is because it was a pretty awesome moment for myself and everyone there) So we don't talk anymore. Surprise?!?! And NIN not only is incredibly lame, but is associated with BCB. Which is in my mind worse that sending your money to a scummy televangelist.
But you know what?
Fuck that. It's a pretty awesome cover by a pretty awesome artist.
This other post is something I couldn't resist. I know, I know, everyone has been all over this since God created earth. Not only that but its just not that great of a cover. I agree. But sometimes you just got to say fuck it! I am going to post an uncool, overexposed YouTube music video. It's just one of those late nights!
Enjoy.
Michael Andrews
"Mad World"
Thursday, December 28, 2006
the motherfucking list: Round Two
Jules Winnfield: I'm back to this motherfucking blog with some more selections. One thing I should make clear is that this isn't one of those year-end lists. Or top ten lists. Those are as interesting as the excuses I encounter in collection - "Some more time man, please!" - After about the 10th time I'd rather put a bullet in my head than the poor sucker on his knees in front of me. No this is a motherfucking list. If you want a ranked list: go fuck yourself.
(JEB: Watch the language asshole!)
Jules: Like I said "Go fuck yourself"....anyways enough of this shit: The Motherfucking List part two.
Hot Chip
"Boy From School"
This video is pretty trippy shit. But even if it wasn't awesome, I'd still put this song on here. The song has this wonderfully mastered electronic dance-pop flowing under the sweet but sad "We tried, but we don't belong." It exudes a wistfully melancholy that touches even the most unsentimental bones.
Candi Staton
"His Hands"
This gospel track is full of sorrow and strength. Its powerful appeal lies in the authentic nature of the characters in the track's story who have all been dragged up from Staton's past. And it is in the climax of the song that she gives us a glimpse of the strength which helped her survive an abusive husband. Gospel and I usually mix like water and oil, but Staton brings the song alive through her own pain and struggle. So here is my props: you have made the motherfucking list! Be proud.
I also feel like I should add: If her ex-husband's shadow ever crossed my door, I'd pump his womanly torso full of steel, slap cement boots on his feet and dump his ass in a toxic waste land fill.
Midlake
"Roscoe"
This track makes you think of some tranquil backwoods. If I was an earthy, sentimental type I would like it more.
Speaking of backwoods, I whacked some guy in a forest last week . A real shame, God rest his soul! But I helped his bride get over it pretty quickly.
(I should point out this isn't the official video, but rather somebody's creation)
The Thermals
"Here's Your Future"
I picked this track because it has this bratty-punk sound mixed with a bleak dystopian outlook. Its so warm, I couldn't possibly resist not spreading it.
Of course if I was Hutch Harris' father I'd tell his whiny-ass his future: Picking weeds on my lawn until your 18th birthday, then you can move the fuck out. And don't ever come back!
(JEB: Watch the language asshole!)
Jules: Like I said "Go fuck yourself"....anyways enough of this shit: The Motherfucking List part two.
Hot Chip
"Boy From School"
This video is pretty trippy shit. But even if it wasn't awesome, I'd still put this song on here. The song has this wonderfully mastered electronic dance-pop flowing under the sweet but sad "We tried, but we don't belong." It exudes a wistfully melancholy that touches even the most unsentimental bones.
Candi Staton
"His Hands"
This gospel track is full of sorrow and strength. Its powerful appeal lies in the authentic nature of the characters in the track's story who have all been dragged up from Staton's past. And it is in the climax of the song that she gives us a glimpse of the strength which helped her survive an abusive husband. Gospel and I usually mix like water and oil, but Staton brings the song alive through her own pain and struggle. So here is my props: you have made the motherfucking list! Be proud.
I also feel like I should add: If her ex-husband's shadow ever crossed my door, I'd pump his womanly torso full of steel, slap cement boots on his feet and dump his ass in a toxic waste land fill.
Midlake
"Roscoe"
This track makes you think of some tranquil backwoods. If I was an earthy, sentimental type I would like it more.
Speaking of backwoods, I whacked some guy in a forest last week . A real shame, God rest his soul! But I helped his bride get over it pretty quickly.
(I should point out this isn't the official video, but rather somebody's creation)
The Thermals
"Here's Your Future"
I picked this track because it has this bratty-punk sound mixed with a bleak dystopian outlook. Its so warm, I couldn't possibly resist not spreading it.
Of course if I was Hutch Harris' father I'd tell his whiny-ass his future: Picking weeds on my lawn until your 18th birthday, then you can move the fuck out. And don't ever come back!
Our Special Guest was Late!
Today we have our first installment from a special guest, his name is Jules Winnfield. I have invited him to share some of his favorite songs from this past year. Now some of you are wondering what the fuck does he know about music? Well leave those questions until you have heard his selections. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by them. So I guess I'll turn it over to him.
Jules: First thing I want to say is Fuck-you very much - pleasantly surprised? Thanks for the kind words. I'll be dropping by later for a visit. And it won't be pleasant cracker.
By the way this series would have been complete if it hadn't been for motherfucking technology. I don't even think its healthy for man to rely on inanimate objects, its like asking your wife to take care of the directions. Now every Mofo worth the fine thread count on his back knows that woman ain't going to get him where he is suppose to be. Its common sense. No healthy man ever relies on his wife for directions. Well now you can add inanimate objects to that list of things not to rely on. And as far as that last computing machine....let's just say this computing machine best not fuck with me. The last one wished it hadn't been motherfucking assembled by the motherfucking assembly line.
But without further ado, the first recommendation.
Be Your Own Pet
"Adventure"
This teenage pop ensemble emerged from the backwoods of Nashville. Now I don't give many backwoods-critter-hunting-crackers credit - But give these kids some credit even if you don't appreciate their frenzic noise pop, from all accounts their mothers and fathers weren't brother and sister.
Jules: First thing I want to say is Fuck-you very much - pleasantly surprised? Thanks for the kind words. I'll be dropping by later for a visit. And it won't be pleasant cracker.
By the way this series would have been complete if it hadn't been for motherfucking technology. I don't even think its healthy for man to rely on inanimate objects, its like asking your wife to take care of the directions. Now every Mofo worth the fine thread count on his back knows that woman ain't going to get him where he is suppose to be. Its common sense. No healthy man ever relies on his wife for directions. Well now you can add inanimate objects to that list of things not to rely on. And as far as that last computing machine....let's just say this computing machine best not fuck with me. The last one wished it hadn't been motherfucking assembled by the motherfucking assembly line.
But without further ado, the first recommendation.
Be Your Own Pet
"Adventure"
This teenage pop ensemble emerged from the backwoods of Nashville. Now I don't give many backwoods-critter-hunting-crackers credit - But give these kids some credit even if you don't appreciate their frenzic noise pop, from all accounts their mothers and fathers weren't brother and sister.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
A Warm Holiday Post
This story warms my heart right up. I am so glad everyone is catching the holiday spirit:
John Brantley is a top-rated high school quarterback who had initially planned on attending Texas before deciding instead to stay closer to home in Florida, reportedly because his girlfriend goes there. Because nothing in the world is more pure, charming and altruistic than collegiate athletic recruiting, the Texas fans are handling the news very well, because, well, they are very classy!
Rumours and Rants found Brantley's Myspace page and this is what they found on his message board:
"I wouldn't show up for the All American game in SA this year. It won't be a warm welcome for you. So, what are you going to do when you sit behind Tebow for 3 years and your girlfriend breaks up with you? Yeah, like the other guy said, don't say your word is "solid as oak" when your lying. Also, take all the Longhorn stuff off your board. You're not a horn. ... I just wanted to let you know that my younger brother, who attends UF and is a Sigma Chi, boned your girlfriend a couple of months ago."
In other developments: A boy lost a part of his leg to a loose cannon
Now don't think those two stories weren't related. In the next few days somebody is going to be rigging up a loose cannon either in Florida or Texas. My guess is UF's football team will be involved. This is just a hunch, because as my friend once stated: "There is no turning back, only escalation."
That friend also regretted not turning back. Escalation, loose cannons, murder, regret. They are all connected. Suffice to say: 'I will be monitering further developments.'
BTW: Hardboiled's special guest will be appearing either tomorrow or Monday.
John Brantley is a top-rated high school quarterback who had initially planned on attending Texas before deciding instead to stay closer to home in Florida, reportedly because his girlfriend goes there. Because nothing in the world is more pure, charming and altruistic than collegiate athletic recruiting, the Texas fans are handling the news very well, because, well, they are very classy!
Rumours and Rants found Brantley's Myspace page and this is what they found on his message board:
"I wouldn't show up for the All American game in SA this year. It won't be a warm welcome for you. So, what are you going to do when you sit behind Tebow for 3 years and your girlfriend breaks up with you? Yeah, like the other guy said, don't say your word is "solid as oak" when your lying. Also, take all the Longhorn stuff off your board. You're not a horn. ... I just wanted to let you know that my younger brother, who attends UF and is a Sigma Chi, boned your girlfriend a couple of months ago."
In other developments: A boy lost a part of his leg to a loose cannon
Now don't think those two stories weren't related. In the next few days somebody is going to be rigging up a loose cannon either in Florida or Texas. My guess is UF's football team will be involved. This is just a hunch, because as my friend once stated: "There is no turning back, only escalation."
That friend also regretted not turning back. Escalation, loose cannons, murder, regret. They are all connected. Suffice to say: 'I will be monitering further developments.'
BTW: Hardboiled's special guest will be appearing either tomorrow or Monday.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
attic246
At this point in time I wanted to give a shoutout to attic246 - lots of new stuff up, a new design even. Check it OUT! Lots of music videos and reviews to check out.
ALSO: There is a special guest coming to HARDBOILED FICTION. The article will be coming very soon! The topic is very near and dear to my heart. STAY TUNED!
ALSO: There is a special guest coming to HARDBOILED FICTION. The article will be coming very soon! The topic is very near and dear to my heart. STAY TUNED!
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
20 Years of Brigitte Nielsen
Her first real notoriety came in 1985 with her portrayal of Red Sonja in Red Sonja, then soon after came Ludmilla Vobet Drago in Rocky IV.
Brigitte Nielsen is one of those minimal talented woman that just won't be put to rest. You know the type, their careers are fuelled by lust-filled peeping-tom smut-reading sweaty, overweight bald men. These men love these girls, and will pay to see more of them no matter how trashy they appear. This may sound harsh right? I mean we're not talking about a porn star or even a stripper, we are talking about an actress. But let's face it just because a woman isn't stripping doesn't mean she isn't selling that same promise of sexual excitement.
Now don't get me wrong I am not singling out one person, this happens all the time in the entertainment business. Actresses are the biggest culprits but even musicians use sexuality to sell themselves. Just look at Brittney Spears who has never taken off her clothes to sell a record, but that doesn't mean she hasn't been keenly aware of her sexuality as a means to sell records. In the beginning she used that naughty school girl image fused with the idea of her being a innocent virgin to appeal to not only perverse sexual fantasy's that often plague middle aged men but also young girls looking for a role model. Then over time as she grew older she separated herself from that image and took on a new sweatier, sexually explicit image that allowed her to make "I'm a Slave 4 You" and the much talked about Madonna kiss which has fuelled her to even greater sales.
It's not even that there is something inherently wrong with using sexuality to sell a product, it is something that is quite effective because there is obviously a market for it. Others might argue on moral grounds there is something wrong with this, but that is an argument for them to make, I am stating a different argument: Some artists (I mean this universally) have talent which is used in conjunction with their attractiveness to have a successful career, while others merely get by on their sexuality. In the first category I would put someone like Nicole Kidman. Her talent is unquestionable, but its also undeniable that her superior beauty has put her in a position to take leading roles that an otherwise equally talented but less attractive person could not get. This is not an indictment of the system or her, its a fact. It's something that she has capitalized on, making her one of the highest paid actresses of this generation. It has also made her appeal to us the viewers more enduring. She can stick around as long as she wants, even when her soft skin has wrinkled into a prune....actually wait! I mean even when she is depending on botox to fill out her face. (If her face is prune-ish, I am out!...Sorry Nicole. I'd rather prick myself with a dirty needle then have to watch an actress who looks like my testicles after spending three months in a hot shower. But maybe that is just me?).
In contrast other artists have survived only on their will to sell their sexuality. These, mostly woman but not limited too, usually can make a few films (for example) that gets them noticed which sets them up for a huge pay off as the appetite of consumer has been whetted. This pay-off can set them up for life. A good example of this is Carmen Electra. She started out by moving to California, by chance meeting Prince who convinced her to join an all girl rap group. This obviously did not end up working out, but this led to a few television show appearances, then an spot in Playboy which lead to her role on Baywatch. It was on Baywatch that Carmen really broke out, leading to the commercial success she is having now. But if you notice none of those successful roles or later roles were not dependant on her talent, rather they used her sexuality. Let's be honest nobody watched Baywatch for the great acting. We all watched it for the opening credits. And gawd that was a beautiful beach...wasn't it?
I don't think I am expounding upon anything new, its pretty self-evident that certain artists are cast because of their physical features rather than talent. But this is where I come to my point of interest, Brigitte Nielsen, who broke it big back in 1985 by starring in Red Sonja and RockyIV. At the time she was marvelled as a physical specimen for her height and beauty. Not her talent! But that was back in 1985! Do you even know what was happening back in 1985?
Here is what was happening back in 1985:
- Bo Jackson won the Heisman Trophy with 1,509 points
- The Edmonton Oilers won the Stanley Cup with Wayne Gretzky
- Miami Vice was a huge hit on Television, along with Dallas and Dynasty
- "One More Night" by Phil Collins was popular along with Everyone Wants to Rule World" by Tears for Fears, and one by another artist who just won't go away: Crazy for You" by Madonna
Back then Brigitte was married to Sly Stallone. So fast forward 20 years, and I am sure you'll never guess but she is set to cameo in a re-making of Red Sonja which will come out in 2008.
Yes! In other words she is STILL kicking around after all these years. There is absolutely no quit in the girl! And no this is not a case of her surviving on talent, rather its primarily based on her stunning looks and physique. Or let me re-phrase that: WAS based on her stunning looks. (Why is she still around? I don't know to be honest. It's probably because there are men who remember her as she was. Although I will point out that some might try to dispute this by bringing up her talk show in the mid-90's. But I don't consider a talk show, even an acclaimed one the apex of talent. For god-sakes even Tyra Banks has a talk show, and that shit isn't on because of her brains - don't even kid yourself with that argument. I mean if Oprah is the gold standard, that standard is like being acclaimed as the 'brightest' eighth grader. Sure you get to say a speech at the end of the year, you might even get a plaque but nobody is confusing you with a future Phd graduate). But back to Brigitte: We are now past two decades of her. Two decades and no talent. I really don't have anything against her, maybe I should be celebrating this? But I think somebody should be giving this woman a hint, at some point it becomes embarrassing. Recently I was discussing Madonna with somebody. Madonna is 47. The quality of her recent music can be debated, although it still seems to be acclaimed by her fans, but her antics no longer flatter her mature age. While she is still fit, even she can't hold back mother nature's effect on her body. Even with lots of make-up her 47 years aren't disappearing. Think about it, its like keeping fruit around for two months. There isn't much shelf life for delicious fruit, and the same goes for hoes pimping their sexuality out in film. So WHAT are these women thinking?
I don't know.
But don't think you will escape Brigitte in 2007. She has already completed filming of the Surreal Life: Fame Games in which she is participant. I don't know about you, but I am not looking forward to finding out how she has aged. She might not even be hideous but I don't want to find out.
Even more than that though I think someone should deliver the message: Its Over! Not in a malicious way, but in a way that helps them preserve self-respect. Think about it. Would you want your mother doing this stuff?
Brigitte made a couple films that did well. She even married Sly aka Rocky. I would say that's pretty good, but really isn't it enough?
That is all I'm saying.
Brigitte Nielsen is one of those minimal talented woman that just won't be put to rest. You know the type, their careers are fuelled by lust-filled peeping-tom smut-reading sweaty, overweight bald men. These men love these girls, and will pay to see more of them no matter how trashy they appear. This may sound harsh right? I mean we're not talking about a porn star or even a stripper, we are talking about an actress. But let's face it just because a woman isn't stripping doesn't mean she isn't selling that same promise of sexual excitement.
Now don't get me wrong I am not singling out one person, this happens all the time in the entertainment business. Actresses are the biggest culprits but even musicians use sexuality to sell themselves. Just look at Brittney Spears who has never taken off her clothes to sell a record, but that doesn't mean she hasn't been keenly aware of her sexuality as a means to sell records. In the beginning she used that naughty school girl image fused with the idea of her being a innocent virgin to appeal to not only perverse sexual fantasy's that often plague middle aged men but also young girls looking for a role model. Then over time as she grew older she separated herself from that image and took on a new sweatier, sexually explicit image that allowed her to make "I'm a Slave 4 You" and the much talked about Madonna kiss which has fuelled her to even greater sales.
It's not even that there is something inherently wrong with using sexuality to sell a product, it is something that is quite effective because there is obviously a market for it. Others might argue on moral grounds there is something wrong with this, but that is an argument for them to make, I am stating a different argument: Some artists (I mean this universally) have talent which is used in conjunction with their attractiveness to have a successful career, while others merely get by on their sexuality. In the first category I would put someone like Nicole Kidman. Her talent is unquestionable, but its also undeniable that her superior beauty has put her in a position to take leading roles that an otherwise equally talented but less attractive person could not get. This is not an indictment of the system or her, its a fact. It's something that she has capitalized on, making her one of the highest paid actresses of this generation. It has also made her appeal to us the viewers more enduring. She can stick around as long as she wants, even when her soft skin has wrinkled into a prune....actually wait! I mean even when she is depending on botox to fill out her face. (If her face is prune-ish, I am out!...Sorry Nicole. I'd rather prick myself with a dirty needle then have to watch an actress who looks like my testicles after spending three months in a hot shower. But maybe that is just me?).
In contrast other artists have survived only on their will to sell their sexuality. These, mostly woman but not limited too, usually can make a few films (for example) that gets them noticed which sets them up for a huge pay off as the appetite of consumer has been whetted. This pay-off can set them up for life. A good example of this is Carmen Electra. She started out by moving to California, by chance meeting Prince who convinced her to join an all girl rap group. This obviously did not end up working out, but this led to a few television show appearances, then an spot in Playboy which lead to her role on Baywatch. It was on Baywatch that Carmen really broke out, leading to the commercial success she is having now. But if you notice none of those successful roles or later roles were not dependant on her talent, rather they used her sexuality. Let's be honest nobody watched Baywatch for the great acting. We all watched it for the opening credits. And gawd that was a beautiful beach...wasn't it?I don't think I am expounding upon anything new, its pretty self-evident that certain artists are cast because of their physical features rather than talent. But this is where I come to my point of interest, Brigitte Nielsen, who broke it big back in 1985 by starring in Red Sonja and RockyIV. At the time she was marvelled as a physical specimen for her height and beauty. Not her talent! But that was back in 1985! Do you even know what was happening back in 1985?
Here is what was happening back in 1985:
- Bo Jackson won the Heisman Trophy with 1,509 points
- The Edmonton Oilers won the Stanley Cup with Wayne Gretzky
- Miami Vice was a huge hit on Television, along with Dallas and Dynasty
- "One More Night" by Phil Collins was popular along with Everyone Wants to Rule World" by Tears for Fears, and one by another artist who just won't go away: Crazy for You" by Madonna
Back then Brigitte was married to Sly Stallone. So fast forward 20 years, and I am sure you'll never guess but she is set to cameo in a re-making of Red Sonja which will come out in 2008.
Yes! In other words she is STILL kicking around after all these years. There is absolutely no quit in the girl! And no this is not a case of her surviving on talent, rather its primarily based on her stunning looks and physique. Or let me re-phrase that: WAS based on her stunning looks. (Why is she still around? I don't know to be honest. It's probably because there are men who remember her as she was. Although I will point out that some might try to dispute this by bringing up her talk show in the mid-90's. But I don't consider a talk show, even an acclaimed one the apex of talent. For god-sakes even Tyra Banks has a talk show, and that shit isn't on because of her brains - don't even kid yourself with that argument. I mean if Oprah is the gold standard, that standard is like being acclaimed as the 'brightest' eighth grader. Sure you get to say a speech at the end of the year, you might even get a plaque but nobody is confusing you with a future Phd graduate). But back to Brigitte: We are now past two decades of her. Two decades and no talent. I really don't have anything against her, maybe I should be celebrating this? But I think somebody should be giving this woman a hint, at some point it becomes embarrassing. Recently I was discussing Madonna with somebody. Madonna is 47. The quality of her recent music can be debated, although it still seems to be acclaimed by her fans, but her antics no longer flatter her mature age. While she is still fit, even she can't hold back mother nature's effect on her body. Even with lots of make-up her 47 years aren't disappearing. Think about it, its like keeping fruit around for two months. There isn't much shelf life for delicious fruit, and the same goes for hoes pimping their sexuality out in film. So WHAT are these women thinking?
I don't know.
But don't think you will escape Brigitte in 2007. She has already completed filming of the Surreal Life: Fame Games in which she is participant. I don't know about you, but I am not looking forward to finding out how she has aged. She might not even be hideous but I don't want to find out.
Even more than that though I think someone should deliver the message: Its Over! Not in a malicious way, but in a way that helps them preserve self-respect. Think about it. Would you want your mother doing this stuff?
Brigitte made a couple films that did well. She even married Sly aka Rocky. I would say that's pretty good, but really isn't it enough?
That is all I'm saying.
More Scuffle Business
It has come to my attention that there is a part of the Knicks/Nuggets scuffle that I over looked, so being the detail orientated fellow that I am - and courtesy of my network of associates - I am going to bring it to you. Better late than never!
Okay we are all aware of Isiah's initial foreshadowing of violence with the whole 'Carmelo stay out of the lane' (I am paraphrasing). Well it turns out the camera that caught the verbal threat had more sizzling material than a blatant threat of head hunting. Check out the brunette behind Isiah Thomas.
She is gorgeous.
Like, star gorgeous.
In fact as my friend suggested (I can't take credit for this comparison) she is a hotter version of Bridget Moynahan. Yes, ex-of all those gushing adjectives TOM FUCKING BRADY!
Take a look:
Bridget Moynahan
I think we can all see Bridget is a wonderful looking woman. But check out that Video of the 'other' girl.
Now you are on board, aren't you?
That other girl is a better looking version of Bridget. Somebody needs to find that girl, get her number and hook her up with a talent agent. Shit, I'll even volunteer to be the talent agent (I know its very altruistic of me). But you can't tell me that face couldn't sell something, and if she had minimal talent she could start out as a soap star, eventually working her way up to something more respectable. There are these people called 'acting coaches', I am sure they could aid her.
Of course maybe I am assuming too much. She could be satisfied with using her looks to secure men who have access to $1000 court side Knicks tickets. That is pretty respectable. Her needs are taken care of without the pressure of paparazzi. I totally dig that.
Whatever the case is, I might have found my life goal: I need to be that guy with court-side tickets. I DON'T CARE HOW I accomplish this. If I have to work for the man, get bitch-slapped by the man or be the man, I need to be THAT guy.
This is my life goal.
The goal is full of integrity and honour. I know.
Okay we are all aware of Isiah's initial foreshadowing of violence with the whole 'Carmelo stay out of the lane' (I am paraphrasing). Well it turns out the camera that caught the verbal threat had more sizzling material than a blatant threat of head hunting. Check out the brunette behind Isiah Thomas.
She is gorgeous.
Like, star gorgeous.
In fact as my friend suggested (I can't take credit for this comparison) she is a hotter version of Bridget Moynahan. Yes, ex-of all those gushing adjectives TOM FUCKING BRADY!
Take a look:
Bridget Moynahan
I think we can all see Bridget is a wonderful looking woman. But check out that Video of the 'other' girl.
Now you are on board, aren't you?
That other girl is a better looking version of Bridget. Somebody needs to find that girl, get her number and hook her up with a talent agent. Shit, I'll even volunteer to be the talent agent (I know its very altruistic of me). But you can't tell me that face couldn't sell something, and if she had minimal talent she could start out as a soap star, eventually working her way up to something more respectable. There are these people called 'acting coaches', I am sure they could aid her.
Of course maybe I am assuming too much. She could be satisfied with using her looks to secure men who have access to $1000 court side Knicks tickets. That is pretty respectable. Her needs are taken care of without the pressure of paparazzi. I totally dig that.
Whatever the case is, I might have found my life goal: I need to be that guy with court-side tickets. I DON'T CARE HOW I accomplish this. If I have to work for the man, get bitch-slapped by the man or be the man, I need to be THAT guy.
This is my life goal.
The goal is full of integrity and honour. I know.
Monday, December 18, 2006
A Small Scuffle
Some of you may have heard about this little scuffle:
That is all it really is. What is the big deal?
Far worse things happen in football and hockey.
Also Carmelo Anthony ranks up there with Tie Domi as a coward after this sucker punch. When I watch it I can almost see him reaching for his cellphone to call his mommy as he back pedaled away.
You wouldn't see Charles Oakley sucker punching someone. Or for that matter getting punched. This incident is further evidence the NBA is full of poser thugs, not like the good old days when Oakley and Isiah Thomas played...by the way is it any coincidence that Thomas was the coach of one of the teams involved?
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep when I realize there will never be another Charles Oakley.
This by the way was the other infamous brawl:
This WAS a big deal. Ron Artest jumped into the stands.
Friday, December 15, 2006
They call her Moon Bloodgood
It's called Day Break.
I've been watching it for six weeks now. At first I was pretty sceptical about my interest level in the show given the premise - that being a detective who keeps re-living the same horrible day over and over a la Groundhog Day. Even during the pilot I wasn't sure I could get into a show that gave no explanation for the plausibility of the premise. I mean how the fuck do you keep living the same day over and over again? It seems like a pretty BIG thing to accept. The nearest thing to an explanation is the syringe injected into Hopper's neck, which is as good as Rafael Palmeiro's explanation for steroids being found in his system: "Although I never intentionally put a banned substance into my body, the independent arbitrator ruled that I had to be suspended under the terms of the program." I personally think some boggyman doped him up because he is Cuban, how else could the 'roids be in his system???.....Okay, well back to Day Break, the thing is if you haven't noticed I'm big on stuff like plausibility. But it didn't take long and those questions faded as the violence and intrigue grew, and the welcome presence of that girl we got to see wake up beside Hopper every morning.
Yeah, a lot of face time from Moon Bloodgood helped soothe my analytical mind. In fact I'll be honest, she is actually the real reason I brought up Day Break. The show is going off the air soon because the masterminds at ABC have decided to cancel it for two comedy sitcoms. I am not sure why they decided this but you need to check it out just to see Moon in action. She is worth it. As far as ABC cancelling it: The decision is curious given the resources they poured into this drama. I'm actually kinda pissed about the whole thing. Its like giving candy to a child, and then taking it back before they are finished. Its inhumane really. And as a result ABC has ZERO credibility with me right now. This fact probably REALLY upsets them, but the next time they ask me to put time into one of their dramas the answer will be: NO!
Okay the exception will be when they cast Moon Bloodgood for another role. This gorgeous woman has been waiting to break out for awhile. Her most notable role up to Day Break was in Eight Below as a girlfriend to the character played by Paul Walker. My younger sibling actually owns this film, so before posting on her, I decided to fast forward through it - you see this is the type of research I do to bring the edge to my reports - anyways, she is pretty hot (the film is not a classic, in case you were wondering). To give her credit she isn't only eye candy on Day Break, she actually does a good job as the girlfriend to Hopper (Taye Diggs), but those are secondary issues at this point. To me the real issue is how am I going to get my hands on that CSI episode where she appears as a stripper? I mean do I really have to buy the 2003 season on DVD? Can't somebody YouTube it! Please!
Other notable information about her:
- Former Lakers cheerleader
- Engaged to Eric Balfour (Actor and lead singer of the band Fredalba)
- Is of Dutch, Irish Korean descent
BTW - that whole Balfour engagement reflects badly on her. I bet you couldn't place Balfour off the top of your head. Me neither. But four words: Eddie off the O.C. Remember that douche? Theresa's fiancee, a nemesis of Ryan Atwood. But you know I hear that band Fredalba is really taking off...Oh and he also appeared in the music video "Fergalicious."
Awesome.
I've been watching it for six weeks now. At first I was pretty sceptical about my interest level in the show given the premise - that being a detective who keeps re-living the same horrible day over and over a la Groundhog Day. Even during the pilot I wasn't sure I could get into a show that gave no explanation for the plausibility of the premise. I mean how the fuck do you keep living the same day over and over again? It seems like a pretty BIG thing to accept. The nearest thing to an explanation is the syringe injected into Hopper's neck, which is as good as Rafael Palmeiro's explanation for steroids being found in his system: "Although I never intentionally put a banned substance into my body, the independent arbitrator ruled that I had to be suspended under the terms of the program." I personally think some boggyman doped him up because he is Cuban, how else could the 'roids be in his system???.....Okay, well back to Day Break, the thing is if you haven't noticed I'm big on stuff like plausibility. But it didn't take long and those questions faded as the violence and intrigue grew, and the welcome presence of that girl we got to see wake up beside Hopper every morning.
Yeah, a lot of face time from Moon Bloodgood helped soothe my analytical mind. In fact I'll be honest, she is actually the real reason I brought up Day Break. The show is going off the air soon because the masterminds at ABC have decided to cancel it for two comedy sitcoms. I am not sure why they decided this but you need to check it out just to see Moon in action. She is worth it. As far as ABC cancelling it: The decision is curious given the resources they poured into this drama. I'm actually kinda pissed about the whole thing. Its like giving candy to a child, and then taking it back before they are finished. Its inhumane really. And as a result ABC has ZERO credibility with me right now. This fact probably REALLY upsets them, but the next time they ask me to put time into one of their dramas the answer will be: NO!
Okay the exception will be when they cast Moon Bloodgood for another role. This gorgeous woman has been waiting to break out for awhile. Her most notable role up to Day Break was in Eight Below as a girlfriend to the character played by Paul Walker. My younger sibling actually owns this film, so before posting on her, I decided to fast forward through it - you see this is the type of research I do to bring the edge to my reports - anyways, she is pretty hot (the film is not a classic, in case you were wondering). To give her credit she isn't only eye candy on Day Break, she actually does a good job as the girlfriend to Hopper (Taye Diggs), but those are secondary issues at this point. To me the real issue is how am I going to get my hands on that CSI episode where she appears as a stripper? I mean do I really have to buy the 2003 season on DVD? Can't somebody YouTube it! Please!
Other notable information about her:- Former Lakers cheerleader
- Engaged to Eric Balfour (Actor and lead singer of the band Fredalba)
- Is of Dutch, Irish Korean descent
BTW - that whole Balfour engagement reflects badly on her. I bet you couldn't place Balfour off the top of your head. Me neither. But four words: Eddie off the O.C. Remember that douche? Theresa's fiancee, a nemesis of Ryan Atwood. But you know I hear that band Fredalba is really taking off...Oh and he also appeared in the music video "Fergalicious."
Awesome.
Burn The Witch!
Quick Hits:
Sassafraz burned down yesterday, and I am upset because now I am left without a place to grab a drink after work.
That is a joke. I am pretty sure you'd have a better chance catching me cleaning up an frat house bathroom after 24 hours of binge drinking than socializing with posers desperate to show how wealthy and influential they are by smoozing with 'famous people.'
The Cincinnati Bengals reminds me of Ryan Atwood, they can't stay out of trouble. Although I guess Ryan has good intentions. The Bengals on the other hand are the neighbourhood kids who smash christmas lawn ornaments. Here is a tribute, its very sentimental:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk5dlavey...
And finally I wanted to share this so that we can all have similar nightmares tonight. Teri Hatcher isn't just old and ugly. She is scary.
(I am looking at this picture very closely. There has to be a wart somewhere. Underneath all that make-up and botox).
In fact I think Teri Hatcher is a witch. You heard it here first. Don't be suprised when somebody claims Hatcher put a spell on them. Sassafraz burning down was pretty shocking, but the fact that nobody has seen Hatcher with black cape and broomstick is making me pinch myself - again and again. Opps I think I have a bruise now.
I Bleed Red, Black and White Nice Guys
Almost everyone who has talked to me in that last two days realized this would be coming. I haven't even figured out why this is such a big deal, but I have some theories. Clearly the biggest factor is I am a huge basketball fan.
On saturday I was tending to my employment at The Yorkville Club where some of Toronto's exclusive come to shed pounds and tone their physique, when I looked up to see someone I recognized walk-in. To my shock it looked like Joey Graham of the Toronto Raptors. The shock is not so much him being in a gym, but being that he was here and not in the Raptors' facility. Then my eyes really opened, when I saw the front desk swarming with tall skinny white guys and big muscular black guys all wearing the same black, white and red gear. THEN IT HIT ME. It wasn't Joey (Joey? yeah I know it sounds ridicious - why not Joe?) it was his twin brother Stephen Graham and his Portland Trail Blazers teammates.
These experiences are always surreal. I think it is because it is almost like recognizing a friend you have never met. That sounds wierd but let's face it, I know their faces, I know personal information about them, for god-sakes I EVEN watch them at work. It's JUST that I have never met them before. Nor do I ever expect to. So when my knowledge of them meets reality its bound to be surreal. (Okay the usage of the word 'friend' is liberal, maybe 'person' is better suited). 
Beyond this though I was just really excited to finally be in the right place at the right time. You can't plan these things, so when they happen the concidence makes the experience seem pretty magical (for lack of a better word). So here I am standing in the Yorkville Club trying to attend to the needs of a client and all I can do is stare over at the reception desk. I AM trying my hardest to focus but I can't. My brain is literally in lock-down. The client has something coming out of his mouth. I think they are words. His mouth is forming O's....and I am thinking 'but why can't he just wait? - FOR GOD's SAKE SHUT THE FUCK UP! I am not even looking at you!'...but words keep coming out of his mouth. He is trying to decide - AS IF HE IS IMPORTANT AT THIS POINT - between a few options and he wants MY advice. But I can't stop thinking to myself, 'what the hell is going on? The Portland Trail Blazers JUST walked in, and WHY isn't there anyone around who CARES? Am I the only one who is shocked?'
Usually I have a game-face for work. Because I am dealing with high-end clients I have to be on-top of things, especially on a saturday when things are the busiest. But I knew my focus was gone for the day. I fought hard to keep focused for the next several moments, but as soon as I had dealt with that client my focus had the drain-plug pulled - imagine my focus is that last twister of water being swallowed up by the sink. And as soon as it was gone, I was on that computer bringing up the Portland Trail Blazers entire roster. It took me all of 45 seconds to identify every Blazer that had walked in. But I didn't stop there... Let's put it this way: 'I had some 'errands' to run.' Important stuff, like...walking around the club. 
Actually I haven't even gotten to the highlight yet. At this point it's a big deal, but I am preparing to observe a few of these specimens before getting back to work, which was fun, but I was pretty lucky because that wasn't it. About an hour and half later five or six guys who had finished their work-out came over and chatted with me. It was pretty awesome. I can tell you things like LaMarcus Aldridge actually acts like he is 21. Sergio Rodriguez seems tall at 6'3'' and can't speak english all that well. Joel Przybilla is a true GIANT at 7'1''. But my favorite was Dan Dickau.
Dan Dickau is a guy I had lost track of. Before he was drafted in 2002, he was a first team All-American for Gonzaga. During this time he lead a few suprise preformances by Gonzaga at the NCAA Tournament, which is really the only reason he is on my radar screen. He has played on five different teams since entering the NBA in 2002. This is his third stint in Portland, which seems pretty ludicrous. He defines the phrase 'well-travelled.' He had his best year in 2004-05 when he split time between Dallas and New Orleans. He ended up averaging 12.5 points in 29.4 minutes, while making 46 starts. Since then he has barely averaged 10 minutes a game, only getting 5.9 per game this season.
This brings me to my point: When I was talking to him on saturday he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and it's really too bad he hasn't got a fair shot at being productive in the NBA. He was a great college player but is over looked because of his defence. However I think if he got a shot in the right situation he would thrive. But that doesn't even really describe why I think he is pretty aweome. That lies in the nice guys points which I give out every once and awhile. Dan really hit the jackpot on my scale later that night as I was waiting to meet my friend for dinner in Yorkville when he walked by with Jamaal Magloire and said Hi again. Yeah that is the JACKPOT - for me. So now when I think about the hand he has been dealt: I think its too bad he doesn't get more of an opportunity to play. He deserves it right? I mean he's nice.
I envision him (just from meeting him and my two days of research) as being the undiscovered Steve Nash. I mean after all, they are both....short, white, at one point both had moppy hair styles...and both are from the West Coast. He stands only about 6'0 ft tall and weights 180 lbs. (which is basically my size). And you were wondering why i liked this guy? Of course his SIZE automatically makes him my favorite player. I COULD be THAT guy, if I had worked on my wind sprints a bit more in high school.
Maybe this is why I made a point of watching the game Sunday. I even found myself hoping he would come on and single-handedly turn around the game for the Blazers. Although as it turns out Jarrett Jack (the rookie who starts and takes Dickau's minutes) had already done that by the time Dickau came on. I don't think I have ever been more excited about seeing an opposing player (exluding the San Antonio Spurs). I jumped up out of my chair when he entered the game at the 10 minute mark of the fourth quarter. I swore and cursed the official when he disallowed Dickau's basket because of a non-ball offensiveIn fact the whole weekend I was consumed by my need to find out more about my boy Dan Dickau. I found out he has a hot wife who is a Portland Trail Blazer cheerleader. I even sent him an e-mail requesting an interview with him. I have pretty much lost my mind, and I KNOW it. I am even making plans to find out where he lives....just kidding. Seriously though he's my boy now. I get the NBA package on my dish, and I have already booked-off nights when the Blazers play. I have planned out what to say in my future e-mails - I want to keep them 'encouraging'. I have already phoned Bryan Colengelo telling him he should get this guy. THIS is the START of something huge. Portland will be receiving my call shortly. It will regard my campaign to get Dickau more minutes or a new team which is based on the whole-Steve-Nash-comparsion. I don't care that in Steve Nash's fifth year he had improved every year and was already averaging 15.6 points per game, 7.3 assists.
Somebody needs to release the potential in Dan Dickau. Somebody needs to be campaigning for him. And I have decided it is going to be me. Why not right? What the fuck-else am I going to do with my time? Instead of you know working on those applications, a list of important books to read, resumes - all those time wasters, I have decided Dan Dickau is my project. Man he doesn't even know what has hit him yet. NBA GMs around the league don't know what's around the corner.
The ONLY thing I am missing is a clever title for this campaign. Something like Dan Dickau - THE NEW STEVE NASH....or Dan Dickau The-most-underrated-short-white-point-guard-f
rom-the-west-coast-since-Steve-Nash-took-that-title-from-John-Stockton. Or maybe.....Dan Dickau for President will suffice.
rom-the-west-coast-since-Steve-Nash-took-that-title-from-John-Stockton. Or maybe.....Dan Dickau for President will suffice.
It Was About Time
Poor Adam Brody. If you haven't heard Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody broke up recently.
And I feel about as bad for Adam Brody as I do for Bratt Pitt being dragged through the African wildress by the mythical serpent known as Anglina Jolie. Which is to say I don't feel bad for him.
It might be news to some of you, but Rachel Bilson is the cutest bunny on earth right now. And no I am not talking about bunny-as-in-playboy, I am talking about bunny-as-in-wholesome-sweetheart who I swear, when she looks into the camera every thursday at 9 pm, is begging for me to sweep her away to Maui at which point I would show her that I am a machine to her woman. This would then lead to a romantic candle lit dinner where she would admit her undying....well you get the point. But do you blame me for thinking about stuff like this? I mean every week for three years she has been telling me she loves me with those chocolate brown eyes EVEN THOUGH she has no idea who I am. 
Quite frankly it was about time she woke-up. I wasn't going to wait around forever. That Brody guy might be funny, he might be rich and cute, he might be a star, BUT lets face it - He has nothing on me. It is about time she realized that.
For those of you who may have forgotten a memorable scene in which she actually fulfills very comic book nerd's dream. (It's actually pretty HOT!)
Here it is courtesy of YouTube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FppQWpJIm...
Underneath this dress is a Wonder Woman suit. Pretty hot eh?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Let me introduce to you one bad-ass dude. This guy is old-school bad-ass, the kind they don't make anymore.
His name is Charles Oakley.
You may not have heard of him before. BUT TRUST ME this isn't the kind of person you want to meet in a dark alley.
Does this look like the kinda of guy you would want to meet in a back ally?
Let me start by re-counting my personal experience with the scarest-human-being-on-earth. It was about six years ago this up-coming feburary that I got to meet the legendary Charles Oakley. I was down in the state of Texas visiting my brother who I hadn't seen in quite some time. Actually to clarify that - he lives in Dallas - (rather than hickville U.S.) Him and I grew up huge sports fans, it was one of the only similar interests we had. (The major differences between him and I - well you would find him trying to construct a computer in our basement while he was in grade 7. Yeah I know - THAT IS RIDICIOUSLY NERDY. But of course he is ridiciously smart). So it made sense that while I was down there to attend a basketball game - the Toronto Raptors happen to be visiting the near by San Antonio (a team I happen to grow up cheering for). Ticket prices were very reasonable. So we got seats 10 rows back from the court.
It was a three hour drive from Dallas to San Antonio but we got there early so that we could fully appreciate the whole experience. And of course I was anxious to take advantage of our close proxmity to the court. So during the pre-game warms-up I decided to line-up court side and haggle players for their autograph.This is something I am not very experienced with.
In fact the only other time I had attempted this was during the 1991 spring training season. I was in Florida during March Break staying close to the Pittsburgh Pirates training facility so naturally I tried to meet players. I was pretty excited back then about meeting an up and coming super star named Barry Bonds. I was pretty naive about things back then. Bonds happens to be a legendary arrogant asshole. The kind that might flip off his grandmother if she happened to be in his way. So how do you think this worked out?
Not so well.
My grandfather who is a huge baseball fan and was with me that day, to this day has not forgiven him for brushing aside his grandson without so much as a word. Me? I moved on.
Nine years later here I was living my dream, watching my world champion San Antonio Spurs warm up. I was completely awe-struck. David Robinson, Tim Duncan, Avery Johnson, Mario Ellie, Steve Kerr. They were larger than life. They were so close I could smell their sweat, see their eyes, feel their giantic height towering over my teenage body. But I was brave and things turned out well. I got a number of autographs including Steve Kerr, who was a complete gentleman to this nervous teenager. This ultimately got my confidence PUMPED UP. I thought to myself 'Man, this was easy.' Like trading baseball cards with my younger cousins. I ALWAYS GOT MY MAN.
So there is no turning back at this point. I had dipped my foot into the water. It was comfortable. I had met some of my favorite basketball players. I was feeling pretty smooth. Everything was going well. And here the Raptors were coming off the court. I mean at this point, I could hussle John Schuerholz out of his Braves 1992 pitching staff for Tim Leary. THAT is how good I'm feeling. (BTW Tim Leary in 1991 was 4-10, ERA 6.49).
A few of the Raptors pass by, I get a few Hi's, a couple high fives including a young rookie Vince Carter but no autographs. I guess the visiting team doesn't give out favours to the home town crowd. My confidence is still good but I am coming back to earth now. It is like a space shuttle rocketing through the ozone layer. I am still in control of the descent but I am no longer orbiting the earth thinking "Man I am like a God right now."
Then I see him. The baddest motherfucker on the Raptors. He's HUGE. Much bigger than I imagined. His muscles are like boulders. Rock solid. And THAT scowl is brooding. Every rational person around me took a step back. He's walking towards us with this look - like he is hunting the person that just KILLED his mother. Whoever that is - they are going to be his pre-game meal. But you see I am still in the clouds, oblivious of this. And just as he gets within two steps of me, I put out my hand - pen and paper included - and with my loudest voice "Hey do you think I could get your autograph?" In the next moment everything slows down. He turns his head and looks directly at him. His eyes - I don't know how to explain this other than - are a glowing fire. The dude is shooting fire-y flames directly from Hell itself at me. I FEEL LIKE I JUST KILLED HIS MOM. But he just keeps on walking. No response. Nothing. Until he's almost by me. My hand is still out there and I am just about to ask him again. Then he drops the BOMB.
'Fuck-Off'
It was a pretty quick 'fuck-off.' No emotion. It was just a 'don't bother me kid - I am all business' - fuck-Off. And to be honest, it doesn't even bother me. He is a professional basketball player trying to prepare for a game. I respect that.But that glare is something I will never forget. It was absolutely the scarest moment of my life. The guy could have walked over snapped my neck with his one hand and it wouldn't have suprised anyone standing around me. It wasn't one of those frothing at the mouth rages either. It was a silent, cold-blooded brooding that only someone who has killed many many times before can have.
This is my impression of Charles Oakley.
Alot of people wonder what happened to Vince Carter after 2000-01. In my opinion there are only three words needed to explain this: Charles Oakley left. This could be debated, but let me explain it this way: If Charles Oakley wanted me to do something. I would do it. If Charles Oakley told me to "play it like a man," (which in fact he did say to Vince Carter) I would do it. If Charles Oakley said 'get on your knees and beg for your life.' I would do it. Which is pretty remarkable considering that among my friends I am know as the "shit-disturber" or the "bear-poker." BUT I would do anything he said out of fear for my family. No Questions Asked. It would be implied - my safety or my family's safety is in jeopardy IF you do not follow his instructions.
If you don't believe me, consider these examples:In the 2000 season, Oakley was suspended and fined for throwing a basketball off of Tyrone Hill's head after a morning shoot-around. I am not exagarating. He threw a basketball of this dude's head. But that wasn't it. Before a pre-season game at the start of the 2000-2001 season, Oakley slapped Tyrone Hill and was not allowed to play in the game. He bitch slapped Hill. And you know what? Hill took it. Why? Because he was afraid of Oakley. And this was all over a game of dice. Mind you a $54,000 game of dice. But the lesson here: If you owe Oakley pay your gambling debts. As Bill Simmons put it "For God's sake, everyone in the league is still afraid of him," and the guy is forty-three years old.
The other infamous example happened during the 1999 lockout. Oakley allegedly slapped Charles Barkley across the face during a players only meeting. Now I don't know if you would cross Barkley, I probably wouldn't. He is pretty big and seems like a loose cannon. But Oakley on the other hand, he would have no problem doing that. Why? Because he doesn't care what the 'f&%#' you think. And this is scary. People who have no fear are the scariest people to deal with. And for this reason Oakley scares the s@#% out of anyone that meets him.
Seriously. I mean the list of people that I have met and am still legitimately scared of is one. It starts and stops with Charles Oakley.
Bring on anyone. I'll stir it up. I WANT to see them react. Just PLEASE don't make it Oakley.
His name is Charles Oakley.
You may not have heard of him before. BUT TRUST ME this isn't the kind of person you want to meet in a dark alley.
Does this look like the kinda of guy you would want to meet in a back ally?
Let me start by re-counting my personal experience with the scarest-human-being-on-earth. It was about six years ago this up-coming feburary that I got to meet the legendary Charles Oakley. I was down in the state of Texas visiting my brother who I hadn't seen in quite some time. Actually to clarify that - he lives in Dallas - (rather than hickville U.S.) Him and I grew up huge sports fans, it was one of the only similar interests we had. (The major differences between him and I - well you would find him trying to construct a computer in our basement while he was in grade 7. Yeah I know - THAT IS RIDICIOUSLY NERDY. But of course he is ridiciously smart). So it made sense that while I was down there to attend a basketball game - the Toronto Raptors happen to be visiting the near by San Antonio (a team I happen to grow up cheering for). Ticket prices were very reasonable. So we got seats 10 rows back from the court.
It was a three hour drive from Dallas to San Antonio but we got there early so that we could fully appreciate the whole experience. And of course I was anxious to take advantage of our close proxmity to the court. So during the pre-game warms-up I decided to line-up court side and haggle players for their autograph.This is something I am not very experienced with.
In fact the only other time I had attempted this was during the 1991 spring training season. I was in Florida during March Break staying close to the Pittsburgh Pirates training facility so naturally I tried to meet players. I was pretty excited back then about meeting an up and coming super star named Barry Bonds. I was pretty naive about things back then. Bonds happens to be a legendary arrogant asshole. The kind that might flip off his grandmother if she happened to be in his way. So how do you think this worked out?
Not so well.
My grandfather who is a huge baseball fan and was with me that day, to this day has not forgiven him for brushing aside his grandson without so much as a word. Me? I moved on.
Nine years later here I was living my dream, watching my world champion San Antonio Spurs warm up. I was completely awe-struck. David Robinson, Tim Duncan, Avery Johnson, Mario Ellie, Steve Kerr. They were larger than life. They were so close I could smell their sweat, see their eyes, feel their giantic height towering over my teenage body. But I was brave and things turned out well. I got a number of autographs including Steve Kerr, who was a complete gentleman to this nervous teenager. This ultimately got my confidence PUMPED UP. I thought to myself 'Man, this was easy.' Like trading baseball cards with my younger cousins. I ALWAYS GOT MY MAN.
So there is no turning back at this point. I had dipped my foot into the water. It was comfortable. I had met some of my favorite basketball players. I was feeling pretty smooth. Everything was going well. And here the Raptors were coming off the court. I mean at this point, I could hussle John Schuerholz out of his Braves 1992 pitching staff for Tim Leary. THAT is how good I'm feeling. (BTW Tim Leary in 1991 was 4-10, ERA 6.49).
A few of the Raptors pass by, I get a few Hi's, a couple high fives including a young rookie Vince Carter but no autographs. I guess the visiting team doesn't give out favours to the home town crowd. My confidence is still good but I am coming back to earth now. It is like a space shuttle rocketing through the ozone layer. I am still in control of the descent but I am no longer orbiting the earth thinking "Man I am like a God right now."
Then I see him. The baddest motherfucker on the Raptors. He's HUGE. Much bigger than I imagined. His muscles are like boulders. Rock solid. And THAT scowl is brooding. Every rational person around me took a step back. He's walking towards us with this look - like he is hunting the person that just KILLED his mother. Whoever that is - they are going to be his pre-game meal. But you see I am still in the clouds, oblivious of this. And just as he gets within two steps of me, I put out my hand - pen and paper included - and with my loudest voice "Hey do you think I could get your autograph?" In the next moment everything slows down. He turns his head and looks directly at him. His eyes - I don't know how to explain this other than - are a glowing fire. The dude is shooting fire-y flames directly from Hell itself at me. I FEEL LIKE I JUST KILLED HIS MOM. But he just keeps on walking. No response. Nothing. Until he's almost by me. My hand is still out there and I am just about to ask him again. Then he drops the BOMB.
'Fuck-Off'
It was a pretty quick 'fuck-off.' No emotion. It was just a 'don't bother me kid - I am all business' - fuck-Off. And to be honest, it doesn't even bother me. He is a professional basketball player trying to prepare for a game. I respect that.But that glare is something I will never forget. It was absolutely the scarest moment of my life. The guy could have walked over snapped my neck with his one hand and it wouldn't have suprised anyone standing around me. It wasn't one of those frothing at the mouth rages either. It was a silent, cold-blooded brooding that only someone who has killed many many times before can have.
This is my impression of Charles Oakley.
Alot of people wonder what happened to Vince Carter after 2000-01. In my opinion there are only three words needed to explain this: Charles Oakley left. This could be debated, but let me explain it this way: If Charles Oakley wanted me to do something. I would do it. If Charles Oakley told me to "play it like a man," (which in fact he did say to Vince Carter) I would do it. If Charles Oakley said 'get on your knees and beg for your life.' I would do it. Which is pretty remarkable considering that among my friends I am know as the "shit-disturber" or the "bear-poker." BUT I would do anything he said out of fear for my family. No Questions Asked. It would be implied - my safety or my family's safety is in jeopardy IF you do not follow his instructions.
If you don't believe me, consider these examples:In the 2000 season, Oakley was suspended and fined for throwing a basketball off of Tyrone Hill's head after a morning shoot-around. I am not exagarating. He threw a basketball of this dude's head. But that wasn't it. Before a pre-season game at the start of the 2000-2001 season, Oakley slapped Tyrone Hill and was not allowed to play in the game. He bitch slapped Hill. And you know what? Hill took it. Why? Because he was afraid of Oakley. And this was all over a game of dice. Mind you a $54,000 game of dice. But the lesson here: If you owe Oakley pay your gambling debts. As Bill Simmons put it "For God's sake, everyone in the league is still afraid of him," and the guy is forty-three years old.
The other infamous example happened during the 1999 lockout. Oakley allegedly slapped Charles Barkley across the face during a players only meeting. Now I don't know if you would cross Barkley, I probably wouldn't. He is pretty big and seems like a loose cannon. But Oakley on the other hand, he would have no problem doing that. Why? Because he doesn't care what the 'f&%#' you think. And this is scary. People who have no fear are the scariest people to deal with. And for this reason Oakley scares the s@#% out of anyone that meets him.
Seriously. I mean the list of people that I have met and am still legitimately scared of is one. It starts and stops with Charles Oakley.
Bring on anyone. I'll stir it up. I WANT to see them react. Just PLEASE don't make it Oakley.
A SALTY TRANSCRIPT OF AN IRATE MOTHER
Ladies and Gentlemen, one of these players ended up on the wrong side of a violent hit.
Now most of you think that the California player got the worst of it.But I have found an exclusive transcript from one Mrs. Jackson as she was watching her son play from her home in Alabama:
"OH-MY-GOD!!!!...my DeSean just got...did you see that?
YOU FITHLY SON-OF-A-BITCH...HOW COULD YOU-YOU MOTHERFUCKING...THAT was a CRIMINAL ACT
how are they letting him walk away?!?!?!?!
EJECT THE MOTHERFUCKER!!
Did you see that hit?!?!!...
DON'T TELL ME TO CALMDOWN! MY BABY!!!!I'M GOING TO HUNT HIM DOWN! - LAMAR get me your gun. NOW!!! - don't just stand there. I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT MOTHERFUCKER NEVER REPRODUCES"
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to FUCK with Mrs. Jackson's 'baby.'
December 4th
Today is December 4th, does anyone know the significance of this?
A hint: Shawn Carter.
Yeah that's right, my boy JAY-Z turns 37 today.
Now alot of you might scoff at this, thinking big deal commerical rapper who's pimping himself out as a thug making millions turns Thirty-FUCKING-Seven. Well five years ago I would have thought the same thing. This IS me we're talking about. Not exactly corporate music's biggest fanatic. But I gave him a few of my precious minutes...and now...now I'm reformed. In fact I've been saved. JAY-Z is the 'fucking' man. I am not just saying that either because he currently swings with Beyonce Knowles. Although let's try and be honest IT DOESN"T HURT HIM. (Clearly she's with him for a reason other than his mugshot - and she's got enough of her own money). It's probably cuz this player has talent. I mean the guy writes 'sick' rap songs. Disagree? Listen to "My 1st song" or "Encore." If you're not convinced, maybe rap isn't your thing. Don't get me wrong JAY-Z isn't the greatest rapper ever, he just writes a catchy ditty that can be played over and over and I'm all for that.
There are alot of current rappers trying to pull off what JAY-Z is doing, i.e. 50 Cent, the game, etc. but the thing is, their songs suck. BIG TIME. I don't want to listen to some sugar pop with SOME ALLEGED 'thug' trying to rap about his gansta over it. Alot of people like that. Not me. Play that shit two times, I am OVER IT.
You see I grew up with Notorious BIG. Who is in my books still the best. Listen to 'Hypnoize' now. Tell me you don't still love it. That is the best part: It hasn't aged one year even though its almost a decade old. 'Big Poppa', 'Juicy'....the same thing, songs that are as good now as they were ten years ago. Notorious BIG set the standard for me, and JAY-Z he's in that same class. That is why he's the MAN.
A DISCLAIMER: It - Him being the MAN - has nothing to do with the fact that him and I share the same birthday. Nothing. Nothing at all.
A hint: Shawn Carter.
Yeah that's right, my boy JAY-Z turns 37 today.
Now alot of you might scoff at this, thinking big deal commerical rapper who's pimping himself out as a thug making millions turns Thirty-FUCKING-Seven. Well five years ago I would have thought the same thing. This IS me we're talking about. Not exactly corporate music's biggest fanatic. But I gave him a few of my precious minutes...and now...now I'm reformed. In fact I've been saved. JAY-Z is the 'fucking' man. I am not just saying that either because he currently swings with Beyonce Knowles. Although let's try and be honest IT DOESN"T HURT HIM. (Clearly she's with him for a reason other than his mugshot - and she's got enough of her own money). It's probably cuz this player has talent. I mean the guy writes 'sick' rap songs. Disagree? Listen to "My 1st song" or "Encore." If you're not convinced, maybe rap isn't your thing. Don't get me wrong JAY-Z isn't the greatest rapper ever, he just writes a catchy ditty that can be played over and over and I'm all for that.
There are alot of current rappers trying to pull off what JAY-Z is doing, i.e. 50 Cent, the game, etc. but the thing is, their songs suck. BIG TIME. I don't want to listen to some sugar pop with SOME ALLEGED 'thug' trying to rap about his gansta over it. Alot of people like that. Not me. Play that shit two times, I am OVER IT.
You see I grew up with Notorious BIG. Who is in my books still the best. Listen to 'Hypnoize' now. Tell me you don't still love it. That is the best part: It hasn't aged one year even though its almost a decade old. 'Big Poppa', 'Juicy'....the same thing, songs that are as good now as they were ten years ago. Notorious BIG set the standard for me, and JAY-Z he's in that same class. That is why he's the MAN.
A DISCLAIMER: It - Him being the MAN - has nothing to do with the fact that him and I share the same birthday. Nothing. Nothing at all.
Danny is classy and Paris is a role model
Can you tell Danny Devito has been drinking?
Everything he says is mumbled and over-pronunciated. He kinda sounds like me at 3:00 am in the morning, except I'm not on national television, which makes me wonder? Maybe I have some things figured out wrong. Is there something to over the top drunken escapades?!?!? Think about it. Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Danny Devito - all wealthly entertainers, all publically intoxicated....oh wait - Their careers are on the down swing, NOT up-swing. phew! - It WAS looking pretty bleak for my parents, who happen to be well-respected upstanding individuals who might disown me if i restored to that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46wakJ8og...
Also these woman are so patronizing. If they ended up burning in hell for eternity it wouldn't bother me for one second. Today I also want to introduce to you Hayden Panettiere.
You may not be familiar with Hayden, but she is a RISING star. Currently she is a cheerleader on the show Heros - which means middle-aged men across america have ALREADY seen her in their favourite fantasy. She is only seventeen but she has appeared in Racing Stripes and Ice Princess in 2005. Both CLASSICS if you haven't had the pleasure of seeing them. She also was nominated for a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album for Children for A Bug's Life Read-Along [2000] - a CLEAR indication of great things to come from this blonde teenager.
THE BEST part of all is that she lists Paris Hilton as a friend. YES! - Paris Hilton. I think we can all hope she channels some of that flair and exuberance. After all Paris is an excellent role model for an aspiring singer/actress. And some how I have a feeling we will be seeing ALOT more of her - AND I DON'T just mean more roles.
Everything he says is mumbled and over-pronunciated. He kinda sounds like me at 3:00 am in the morning, except I'm not on national television, which makes me wonder? Maybe I have some things figured out wrong. Is there something to over the top drunken escapades?!?!? Think about it. Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Danny Devito - all wealthly entertainers, all publically intoxicated....oh wait - Their careers are on the down swing, NOT up-swing. phew! - It WAS looking pretty bleak for my parents, who happen to be well-respected upstanding individuals who might disown me if i restored to that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46wakJ8og...
Also these woman are so patronizing. If they ended up burning in hell for eternity it wouldn't bother me for one second. Today I also want to introduce to you Hayden Panettiere.
You may not be familiar with Hayden, but she is a RISING star. Currently she is a cheerleader on the show Heros - which means middle-aged men across america have ALREADY seen her in their favourite fantasy. She is only seventeen but she has appeared in Racing Stripes and Ice Princess in 2005. Both CLASSICS if you haven't had the pleasure of seeing them. She also was nominated for a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album for Children for A Bug's Life Read-Along [2000] - a CLEAR indication of great things to come from this blonde teenager.
THE BEST part of all is that she lists Paris Hilton as a friend. YES! - Paris Hilton. I think we can all hope she channels some of that flair and exuberance. After all Paris is an excellent role model for an aspiring singer/actress. And some how I have a feeling we will be seeing ALOT more of her - AND I DON'T just mean more roles.
Warning: Very Disturbing
Yep. I reviewed a number of these to highlight the best...or worst depending on your appreciation. And I'm pretty sure I am going to have nightmares involving dangling limbs. It's pretty disturbing.
In this first one not only is the visual pretty jarring, but listen for the 'snap'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUlNiKECl...
This second one is....ahhh. Imagine this: Your bone has been snapped in two, and the full weight of your body is coming down expecting to land on a foot, but instead it is landing on a sharp fragment of your shin bone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DID-hBc0G...
The only thing I can think of now is of that chorus from that shitty song "Pain" that is being RAMMED into my brain everytime I step outside my house.
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough'
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
BTW - what is with this? Do people really like this band THIS MUCH, I am being constantly inundated with their music. And can I sue for public harassment?(It actually doesn't really fit, seeing as both these human probably got enough pain for a life time in those moments, but I'll ignore this if you do).
But the thing about these clips is literally in both of them the skin acts as a boot holding together pieces of the now blown up ankle. Aren't you glad you have skin. I sure am. I don't want to be picking up pieces of my ankle as I lay withering in pain.
In this first one not only is the visual pretty jarring, but listen for the 'snap'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUlNiKECl...
This second one is....ahhh. Imagine this: Your bone has been snapped in two, and the full weight of your body is coming down expecting to land on a foot, but instead it is landing on a sharp fragment of your shin bone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DID-hBc0G...
The only thing I can think of now is of that chorus from that shitty song "Pain" that is being RAMMED into my brain everytime I step outside my house.
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough'
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
BTW - what is with this? Do people really like this band THIS MUCH, I am being constantly inundated with their music. And can I sue for public harassment?(It actually doesn't really fit, seeing as both these human probably got enough pain for a life time in those moments, but I'll ignore this if you do).
But the thing about these clips is literally in both of them the skin acts as a boot holding together pieces of the now blown up ankle. Aren't you glad you have skin. I sure am. I don't want to be picking up pieces of my ankle as I lay withering in pain.
Future Criminal?
This photo is terrifying, simply terrifying.
It is actually of future NBA superstar Larry Bird.But doesn’t Bird’s kid picture resemble that of a future criminal? Admit it, it does. I know Bird is a bit older, but what the hell is with the color of the picture? It’s not an 1860s Civil War photo Larry, it’s a school picture from the 1960s. That simply adds to Bird’s creepy aura, which he cemented with short shorts and the occasional mustache.
Also found was a picture of these two grey beards. Don't get me wrong, I love both of them but they look homeless. But couldn't they afford razors?
Or at least have women in their lives who could give them the look over before they stepped outside. Actually it isn't so much Morgan Freeman's beard as his discoloured tooth and sweat stained hat. It looks like he picked it out of a garbage can at the local thrift shop. Even the homeless had no use for it.
This Reporter is a Grinch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzzrPC-3x...
This reporter looks more than a little annoyed at this fan, which may not be justifed depending on your sense of humour, but note his shove: Could his shove be more...I don't know, for lack of a better word, girly. It reminds me of lining up after recess in grade five, when that skinny nerdy kid was trying to fight back after being 'butted' out of line by the bigger kid.
Also he looks like he has the sense of humour of a mortician. I mean he's located outside a football stadium - hosting the biggest college football game of the century, and some fan is being enthusiastic and this guy is pissed. Lighten up.
Oh and also this is your big debut on YOUTUBE. Try and be excited. This could be your BIG break in life. Maybe ESPN will notice your excellent reporting skills and hire you....oh wait the only thing that comes across is your sour demeanor.
You know he is that 'guy'...the guy at the baseball game who 'shhh'-es you after a blatant missed called in an important game, the whole staduim is up in arms - booing, and he's upset that everyone is standing up obstructing his view. I hate these people. They are like the guy in the party who is having a rotten time and who looks around - and upon realizing everyone is having a good time - decides he has to tell people how stupid everyone looks. Everyone hates these people - they are as likable as the grinch...and you know what I say to people like that....well you don't want to know what I say to people like that.
My advice to that guy - if he happens to read this - (and oh! I do realize he is reporting on the death of a coach) - Go with the flow. Use the 'serious' voice for the death report. But Gawd-Forbid someone is excited about their team.....Just don't be THAT GUY.
This reporter looks more than a little annoyed at this fan, which may not be justifed depending on your sense of humour, but note his shove: Could his shove be more...I don't know, for lack of a better word, girly. It reminds me of lining up after recess in grade five, when that skinny nerdy kid was trying to fight back after being 'butted' out of line by the bigger kid.
Also he looks like he has the sense of humour of a mortician. I mean he's located outside a football stadium - hosting the biggest college football game of the century, and some fan is being enthusiastic and this guy is pissed. Lighten up.
Oh and also this is your big debut on YOUTUBE. Try and be excited. This could be your BIG break in life. Maybe ESPN will notice your excellent reporting skills and hire you....oh wait the only thing that comes across is your sour demeanor.
You know he is that 'guy'...the guy at the baseball game who 'shhh'-es you after a blatant missed called in an important game, the whole staduim is up in arms - booing, and he's upset that everyone is standing up obstructing his view. I hate these people. They are like the guy in the party who is having a rotten time and who looks around - and upon realizing everyone is having a good time - decides he has to tell people how stupid everyone looks. Everyone hates these people - they are as likable as the grinch...and you know what I say to people like that....well you don't want to know what I say to people like that.
My advice to that guy - if he happens to read this - (and oh! I do realize he is reporting on the death of a coach) - Go with the flow. Use the 'serious' voice for the death report. But Gawd-Forbid someone is excited about their team.....Just don't be THAT GUY.
Anthro: A Lesson about calling your opponents a "Macaca"?
George Allen did not win. That should be a lesson to us all. Don't call your opponent a 'macaca'. (I know this is old, but still its an age old lesson)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r90z0PMnK...
By the way, do you think Allen free lanced that? or did someone actually approve that intro speech? I mean who thinks its a good idea to use the insult macaca? When I was young, people just used the word 'fag'....oh wait.
Actually I was told you don't win votes by insulting people. But maybe this is progress?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r90z0PMnK...
By the way, do you think Allen free lanced that? or did someone actually approve that intro speech? I mean who thinks its a good idea to use the insult macaca? When I was young, people just used the word 'fag'....oh wait.
Actually I was told you don't win votes by insulting people. But maybe this is progress?
How about a...breather, a time out, before you embarrass yourself on the internet
Another beautiful thing about YouTube: It can so aptly capture that moment when being a sports fan is at its worst, when the world is entirely out of your control, when events conspire against you and just make you want rage, rage, RAGE against all that has been taken from you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD-9_nnJZ...
This Cowboy fan is mad as hell, and he won't take it anymore.
p.s. I love how he is no regard for grammer or potentially making an ass of himself. I mean this guy is a hick's hick Cowboy fan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD-9_nnJZ...
This Cowboy fan is mad as hell, and he won't take it anymore.
p.s. I love how he is no regard for grammer or potentially making an ass of himself. I mean this guy is a hick's hick Cowboy fan.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
